“If you’re sick of Bangkok, you’re sick of life”, so said Pliny the Elder, or one of his better imitators. Nonetheless, it is essential for what remains of one’s soul to get out of the place now and again, perhaps poking one’s sunburned nose into a locale where walking is an option and the air can’t be eaten with a spoon. In the spirit of this philosophy, Dan and Stuart, the Christ-like figures who nail themselves to public bars on your behalf, paid a flying-without-a-plane visit to Koh Tao to see just what makes the nightlife tick.
8:07pm Simple Life, Sairee Beach
Stu: Time to teach city-boy Dan a bit about back-to-the-beach, island-style drinking. For once, he wasn’t late since all I had to do was stroll across the resort and plant my bum on his balcony, helping myself to his bargain-basement Burmese gin before heading down to the island institution and the place I called home for so long, Simple Life.
Dan: Taking Stu’s advice, I had procured two bottles of Myanmar’s finest gin on a recent visa run. A little guilty about helping prop up the evil junta, I’m pretty sure my 140 Baht didn’t go too far. I took my punishment though, by smoking an entire carton of their crappy cigarettes, which left me coughing for a week. Gin finished, we headed down to the beach for a few more liveners. Like so many beach bars in this region, it’s a rustic affair of old wood, lacquer and paper lanterns. Simple Life is Stu’s old local and former place of employment, so he’s still widely tolerated. Foolishly, I’d stuffed myself with mash balls and burgers before coming out and was feeling a bit bloated and grouchy. Hard work, being a glutton.
10:01pm Dragon Bar, Mae Had
Dan: Mashballs and burgers were no longer a problem after a terrifying motorcycle ride, courtesy of one of Stu’s crazed island friends, to trendy pub Dragon bar. Currently holding the title of the island’s coolest bar, architect and Aussie Craig has created a little bit of New York right here on Koh Tao, but without the traffic, sticky footpaths and muggers. Inside the décor is all Communism and robots, subjects dear to my heart. I own a Mao Tse-tung watch and a Mao lighter that plays ‘The East is Red’, but that can’t compare to this! Great stuff, but I did notice that though he had a twin-towers snow-dome, he didn’t have the Mao one I spotted at the mausoleum. Guess there’s still room for improvement.
Stu: With an impressive bottle bank and cocktail list, and our sobriety sliding, we were in for a treat with the host’s selection of brain-bending cocktails and shooters. First on the cards were Green Tree Frogs. Tricky little bastards, I can tell you. Next in line were a round of V2s equally as damaging as the rockets that rained upon London during the war. Last on the agenda was the house’s own shooter, a nameless yet potent concoction.
11:41pm Dirty Nelly’s, Mae Had
Stu: Being sufficiently slaughtered, we fit right in at Koh Tao’s only Irish pub. Bloody prolific Paddies find every corner of the planet and build nothing more inspiring than a pub (thank God). Who’d ever have thought that Ireland would become fashionable? However, in the true spirit of globalisation, this one’s jointly owned by a Frenchman, a Swede and a Canadian.
Dan: A big night for mixing drinks, we moved on to some of the best-poured Guinness I’ve ever seen in Thailand. Inside, the pub is all green paint and polished wood, the very epitome of olde Eire, except for the open-air design and palm trees. I guess we missed the crowd since it was pretty much just us, or maybe they knew we were coming, but that’s the way I like it – no waiting for a pint. The rumble of roller-doors descending at midnight reminded us it was time to move on.
12:40am, Pure Lounge, Sairee Beach
Dan: Red and Orange beanbags, a circular bar with a hub of booze, cool design and groovy tunes. This is definitely the place to take that someone special. Sadly, I was with Stu. The highlight is the seating, the most comfortable beanbags in the universe – but keep an eye on your pocket change. Manager Sjon told me they’re custom designed and made from wide-fibre nylon, usually found in hiking equipment. Almost too comfortable, one must balance thirst against the effort of getting up. Luckily, they have beanbag service.
Stu: Fortunately for me, I prefer propping up the bar than lounging on beanbags which allows me easy access to drinks whilst struggling to stay on the stool. This place certainly rocks with a mix of upbeat soulful tunes described by resident DJ Absolud as “pure and from the heart.” It was knocking on 1:30am now when I announced to Dan that I’m officially drunk and it was time to stop ‘working’. So does island drinking beat Bangkok boozing? Dan said so as he slid off the saddle of his motorbike. For me, the best part is the sand between my toes, the onshore wind in my hair, the star-filled sky and a smorgasbord of Swedish beach babes. The downside is waking before dawn to crowing roosters, sporting a hangover to match the days following the fall of communism.